For a long time I thought I had no integrity if I let go of a commitment. If I couldn’t follow through with something I’d agree to, I’d beat myself up for days, sometimes years. And you can imagine what running that energy of guilt did to the rest of my life.
So when I started working with my energy, I realized that guilt was one of my default energy patterns, and I wanted to clean that shit up! I started by slowly letting go of small commitments I had made. The funny thing is I rarely committed to anything major, for fear of not being able to follow through and letting people down. But I had what felt like 1,000 small commitments that pulled me in different directions. I had so many regular coffee dates with various people that I couldn’t find time in the morning for what I needed. And to be honest, these were really sessions for them to dump their stuff on me. I thought I was helping, I thought that’s what a good friend did. So I’d leave depleted and they'd leave energized. So one by one, I started to step back. Instead of weekly, I did every other week, then monthly, then every other month. It was actually a slow and agonizing process, because I had to be present in my feelings of guilt. But I knew that I wasn’t helping them.
And as always happens when we curate our own life, we recognize the law of attraction at work in our lives. Why? Because we are paying attention and focusing. Some people fell off, some got mad at me, some enjoyed the breath of fresh air they had when I stopped encouraging their bitch sessions. (To be fair, every few sessions, I’d let myself unload and bitch. So it was a lose, lose for all of us.) But for all of us, because the time was now more precious, as it happened more rarely, we started to savor our time together and focus on what we enjoyed instead of what we didn’t like. And instead of being commitments I had to follow through with, they turned into times of reset and rejuvenation that I got to enjoy.
That’s just one of the areas I over committed myself. The worst part was, I had known from the moment I said yes to all of these things, that I shouldn’t. My gut was yelling a big fat NO! But I didn’t listen. I was raised to meet other people's needs. So that’s what I did, while quietly resenting most of the things I had to do. That low vibe energy showed up in multiple ways in my life.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I’d given up almost all the small commitments I had that I wasn’t excited about and redirected the ones I enjoyed into “play dates'' as opposed to commitments. Just the way I was looking at things, changed my experience of them. (That and allowing myself to be totally present in the moment.) But… I’d still have these bursts every few months of feeling totally overwhelmed and unable to get done what I needed. Total time shortage consciousness. So I paid attention to my days, my thoughts, my feelings. I wanted to know what the hell was going on. And I realized I was still holding myself to certain commitments I had made to myself, years ago, that no longer fit in my life.
Funny, as someone who teaches to follow your soul inspired guidance, I had completely been ignoring mine in this area. But isn’t that life? Creating contrast to have an experience. I wasn’t allowing myself to be in the moment and follow my inspiration when it came to my work. In the salon I had learned to let the energy flow and not stress about the time. I thought it would all work out and it did. But in my business of personal development, I had adhered to a very strict schedule of getting specific things done and performing tasks in my business that I was told were a must. The truth was, 75% of what I was doing didn’t speak to me. But… I had made a commitment to my mentors to do things their way. And I had made a commitment to myself to stick to it until I saw the results. Even though I wasn’t actively working with these mentors anymore, I was still holding myself accountable to the commitments I had made to them and myself. Even though my gut was telling me to do things differently. Yes, I’d add in some of my inspirations. But I wouldn’t let go of what needed to leave. So I was just energetically cancelling out the new stuff I added in.
So bit by bit, I stepped back, but to be honest, I felt confused about what fit and what didn’t. So I walked away from it all! Hit pause on everything and spent about a year just regrouping and getting comfortable with me. Who I was, what my intentions were and what were the best ways to bring the value I offered to the world.
As I stepped back, and just lived my life. I started several projects. The real test for me was, could I show up for them when I felt inspired and walk away from them when I didn’t. There is a fine line between following your inspiration to not work on a project and just procrastinating because you are afraid. I’ve done both! That is where the power of being present and knowing yourself and your emotions come in.
And… I did it. I dabbled in things and told people I was doing so. I used to never share what I was doing for fear people would judge me if I didn’t complete it or it turned out to be a flop. I keep my creations close to my heart until I think they are ready to fly and then I share them. At that point, I’ve let go of my expectations and I don’t care about anyone else’s opinions. So there were many projects that fizzled out and some I knew were just on the back burner until my inspiration came back to them.
And today as I write this blog, several of those things that were on simmer are actively being tended to from my internal, soul inspired creative space. And I am so appreciative of my ability to let the commitments go so that things can come into being at the right time or left behind because they are no longer needed.
You see, the biggest thing I’ve learned from all this, and something I knew in my heart, is that each moment leads us to the next. An idea for something leads us to a new experience which leads us to a new perspective. Some things continue to expand and grow and some things were just the stepping stones we needed to get to where we are.
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