What happens when the facade of perfection starts to crack?

For so long I lived behind the facade of perfection. And when it started to crack, and finally broke, I felt a rush of relief flow over me. Umm right after the panic, lol. 

As an intuitive and empath my whole life, I was a people pleaser. I learned how to manage other people's energy so that I could feel ok. My identity became what I could do for other people, which in short order turned into how people perceived and valued me. 

The equation I lived by was: empathy/intuition +  feeling other peoples emotions and fixing their problems = my value. 

Yep, my empathy and intuition was all about other people. They didn't know my secret weapon, they just knew if they came calling, I answered and I did what they wanted. Over time, this turned into frustration and resentment, which turned into health issues. I spent most of my 20's and part of my 30's hiding my illnesses from people as well as my addictions and emotional pain. I was terrified that people would find out I was a fraud. That I wasn't perfect. And if I wasn't perfect, I couldn't fix their problems and if I couldn't fix their problems then I'd have no value and they'd have no use for me. 

I couldn't fathom that anyone could love me for me. Because frankly, I didn't know who me really was. I knew the person I was wasn't me. I was addicted to food, alcohol,  I was emotionally and energetically co-dependent. I couldn't define myself unless it was in relationship to what I could do for other people. I was a loving friend, a loyal employee, a good daughter, the list goes on. And worst of all I was drowning out the loving guidance I had always received from my guides, because I simply didn't have time for it (read I felt uncomfortable being loved). 

In my 30's my facade started to crack. I couldn't hide my emotions anymore and I would have angry outburst or just start crying. I thought maybe it was menopause, wishful thinking. I'd had these reactions before, but not as intense and I was much better able to handle them and actually time them when they seemed appropriate (so people wouldn't suspect anything). To be honest most of my young adult life I felt more comfortable expressing anger than love. Even though my heart ached to share in love. Anger kept people at bay so they couldn't figure out the truth about me. And it kept me safe from being rejected. I was a hot mess. I'm sure people knew, but no one said anything. Little by little I started avoiding my family and friends, cutting myself of from showing up. I couldn't hide my pain anymore. I hated being in my body and my life. And worst of all I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. My life seemed perfect. I had what I call "the perfect life syndrome". I couldn't defend or justify they way I felt, so I felt like I didn't have a right to feel it. 

But I was lonely, sad and unfulfilled. The facade cracked and broke. My family knew, my friends knew. And some of my co-workers knew. I wasn't perfect. In fact I was a fraud! Thank God!!! My secret was out. You see being an intuitive empath wasn't my secret, every body always knew I was special in that way and they didn't question it. My secret was I couldn't fix my own life in the way I could fix other people's lives. 

Like I said, after the panic, a wave of relief washed over me. I cried for days and then I started to mediate. Twice a day for 40 days. I said f#$k it. And for the first time in my life, I didn't think about anyone but myself. I know what a selfish jerk, right! But it was life or death and I was fighting for my life. I was fighting to be me. Heck to figure out who me was. 

Little by little, it started to happen. I felt some peace, then a little self love snuck into my heart center. Then it happened! I could feel my guides again. They had been with for as long as I could remember. And then I started to hear them and soon I was able to fully communicate with them. And that some intuitive, empathic connection I used to serve other people, I started using to connect fully and deeply with my guides. 

So what happens when the facade of perfection starts to crack? It opens the space for you to stop, be still and let the love and wisdom of your higher guidance in. When you no longer live in the fear (of being a fraud) that perfection creates, you are open to explore all aspects of yourself and share the best parts of who you are with the world. Truly living the love you wish to see in the world.