The Gift of My Anxiety

Uncategorized Sep 01, 2021

Here I am, filling out a workbook, about my zone of genius. The first question is, what did you enjoy as a child? It took me a second, but then my hand just started scribbling away. I enjoyed so much as a child. In spite of the seemingly dysfunctional surroundings I grew up in. If I were to tell my story, some would view my experience as bad and some would view it as adventurous and … let’s just say each would view it in their own way. My family and I view it in completely different ways.

 

I viewed my childhood as fun, adventurous and exciting. Although I’m sure there were times my little brain was asking “Wtf is going on?” and there were def times I was scared. As we all have been. But for the most part, I chose to live a magical, creative childhood and focus on the good. As a child I was shy and very attached to my mother. But not anxious. Assertive would be more likely the word people would pick to describe me. So why in my teenage years did I start having so much anxiety, that still can flare it’s ugly head occasionally now? Along with that anxiety came anger as well. I would feel so anxious until I would finally get pissed and shift into anger. I didn’t love anger, but it definitely felt better than anxiety, that’s for sure.

 

So that simple question, what did you enjoy as a child, made me ask, why did I end up so stressed, anxious and angry, when I was so happy and carefree? I think we’ve all asked this question at one time or another. Most would say the answer is, the demands of life took their toll on us. I would beg to differ. The demands of life didn’t take their toll on me, but the demands of people that I acknowledged the bad things in my life took its toll on me. You see if you are perceived as someone who looks at life through rose colored glasses (me) then you make people uncomfortable and you are told that you aren’t facing reality and you live in a fantasy land.

 

I didn’t have the verbiage at the time to articulate that I knew I created my reality through my thoughts and focus. I knew I liked the way I felt and how my life worked when I focused on things I liked and ignored the things I didn’t. So simple. So easy. YES! I want to live in my fantasy land. It was working really well. But as I said, as I got older, people insisted I take a good hard look at what wasn’t going well and face it. I realize now it was so they could justify their experience. To this day, I am the one person in my family that can talk to everybody. Even the one aunt I really don’t care for. (I am not perfect, I’ve jumped into those yelling matches, when I was “facing reality”.) It is my desire to focus on what I like that allows me to engage with most everyone. And truth be told, if I don’t care for a person, family or not, I won’t force myself to be around them. I will talk to them when I feel good about it. That’s why I can talk to everyone. I’m engaging with them when I feel good about it, not being coerced into a situation I don’t want to participate in.

 

I tell that story as an example. So the more I faced reality the more stressed I got and the more anxious I became the more angry I got. Knowing what I know now, it’s because I was putting my focus on things that I deemed negative and didn’t enjoy Where our attention goes our energy goes. I was literally growing the bad experiences and negative energy within me. But the people around me felt better, because I had now matched their energy. And I wasn’t this happy go lucky person who was challenging their beliefs. I wasn’t mature enough yet to stand in my own good feeling and not let them affect me. Although I’d sure as hell try. That’s what I learned my bouts of anger were. I was working my way up the emotional ladder* out of low vibe feelings into high vibe feelings. But I couldn’t sustain my high vibe yet and I would drop back down. I always think about the game Shoots and Ladders. That’s what my life was like. And I’m sure so many of yours.

 

So in my thirties I got sick and tired of feeling like that. Anxious. Angry. Repeat. Along with my re-emerging psychic abilities. I decided to figure some shit out. Almost as soon as I started practicing mediumship, my anxiety would lessen. I would be flying high and feeling free for hours after a session. My mediumship led me to channeling and bingo! That was almost an instant cure for my anxiety and anger. So what happened? I finally tapped back into that flow of

Source energy and stopped living in the reality others wanted me to live in and chose to live in my own reality. I got back in touch with my intuition and followed it. I got back in touch with me and started living by my own soul inspired guidance. Now this wasn’t a linear process by any means. It was still a Shoots and Ladders process. And still is today, that’s why anxiety and irritation (a more subtle form of anger) still rear their heads. The difference being, now when I’m feeling those emotions of fear and irritation and the resulting anxiety in my physical body, I know exactly what they mean. I am living in someone else’s reality instead of creating my own.

 

My disconnection to my soul and Source showed up as anxiety and anger. But it can take many forms. Want to know what yours is? The easiest way to tell if you are “facing reality” instead of creating it is either:

  1. paying attention to the thoughts you are thinking and how you feel about them

  2. what’s happening in your life that you don’t like/enjoy.

It’s really that simple. Then you start to shift your mindset and focus around what you don’t like towards what you do like.

 

Life does not have to be hard and complicated. It can be easy if we choose to make it so. Easy doesn’t mean we don’t have ups and downs. Easy means we navigate those ups and downs from a place of connection to who we really are and not from a temporary place of who others think we should be.

 

Happy creating my friends!

 

*The emotional ladder is a tool I created and use, based on David Hawkins Map of Consciousness and similar to Abraham Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale.

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