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Is your empathy making you co-dependent?

Uncategorized Jan 11, 2020
I often hear intuitive, empathic women say they are independent and don't care what others think.
I said this myself for years. NOW it's actually true.
I did not want to admit that I was using my empathy as an excuse to be co-dependent. But I was.
I had to choose to be responsible for my own self and stop using my ability to feel others emotions as an excuse to keep my co-dependency alive.
Only I could do it.
It was scary. I didn't know who I would be without all my dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships. Even the ones I thought were fairly healthy had nuances of co-dependency. 
I was floored when I took an honest look at who I was being. We so often choose to be dishonest with ourselves about our actions, motives, desires, etc. because we don't want to acknowledge what we are doing "wrong". We are asking to be the best we can, but refuse to take action where we can improve. Improvement doesn't mean who you are now is bad. It simply means there is a more evolved, more conscious, more Source connected version of you waiting to be born. 
Why do we ignore our own "dark side", to our own detriment, as intuitive women? Because we run shame stories all day long in our heads. We are our own worst critics. And after all, how are we supposed to be everything to every one if we aren't "perfect", if we don't know it all and have all the answers? Who are we if we aren't "fixing" everyone's problems and feeling responsible for their outcomes? 
All too often we fall victim to the idea that life is only meant to be sunshine and rainbows. We all know that place of comfort and security gets boring quickly as it limits our ability to expand. To stay in this place of limitation, we must now depend on others to feed our soul instead of our expansive connection to Source. 
It is this thinking, feeling, acting that is ripe for co-dependency. 
Knowing if you are co-dependent is super simple. 
If you can not feel ok and at peace, if the other person doesn't:
  • feel 
  • respond
  • act/behave

the way you want, then you are co-dependent.

Simple. Really.

I used to call it type A, but I was super controlling. I needed people to feel, respond and act in a certain way, so I could handle my empathy. This is what I told myself. And in the beginning, when I was a kid, I'm sure this was true. But as I grew up and learned the tools to be an empowered empath, I just used my empathy as an excuse to stay in co-dependent relationships, as an excuse to manipulate others. I didn't allow myself to own my own feelings, I was always blaming others for making me feel a certain way. I claimed to be powerful, but I was really powerless. 

I was afraid of my own greatness, my own ability to tap into Source and become more than I presently was or thought I could be.

The worst fall out, for me, of this was the growing resentment I had for myself and others. 

I resented myself for: 

  • not speaking up
  • not putting myself first
  • not having stronger boundaries
  • letting myself be treated a certain
  • being taken advantage of

I resented others for: 

  • not letting me speaking up
  • not putting me first ever
  • not honoring my boundaries
  • treating or not treating me a certain
  • taking advantage of me

Hmmm. Do you see a common thread there. What I didn't claim for myself, do for myself, believe for myself... I just blamed other people for. Never taking full control of myself, my life, my empathy. 

I was in a constant state of irritation with myself and others, always on edge, always trying to keep up the appearance of happy, happy, happy. Just one small step away from blowing my fuse about something seemingly small, getting angry then bursting into tears. I was an emotional mess. 

And then I decided not to be. I worked my ass off to be the person I knew I was.  And I still do. I enjoy the heck out of my personal power, expansion, connection and growth. I made a commitment to myself to be the unconditional, non-judgmental LOVE I wish to see in the world. I made a commitment to release fear, guilt, blame, shame, manipulation, you name it. All the emotions/feelings I pretended I didn't have or feel. 

Until you choose to be empowered by your empathy and take full control of who and how you are you will never, feel at peace in your empathy. You will never live in harmony with your empathy. It will always be the most powerful tool you have that's holding you back when it can really be used to lift you up. 

Stop being a victim. Stop being co-dependent. Stop blaming your empathy. 

I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is, you are so much more than you are allowing yourself to be, and I for one, can longer stand back and pretend that isn't true. 

From my soul to yours, 

Liza Jane Wolf

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